Brita M. /Thüringia/Germany
Finally, I find joy in living!!!!
In my youth I realized, that I was different than others somehow. Everytime a boy would show interest in me, I found him disgusting and repulsive, even when we had been best friends.I never really felt to be a part of something. I was always caught in thoughts. At some point I discovered the link to my past. My brother, who was eight years older, had been abusing me from when I was four or five years old. Since then I had become tense and was always in a state of alertness. I wasn’t able to escape the abuse physically, however. To escape the fear of death, I left my body each time. I felt so alone and exposed, was kind of paralyzed.
When I was twelve my other brother, who was four years older, committed suicide. I loved him so much, that – resulting from my bond to him – I imposed sadness upon myself for the rest of my life. There were only short moments of joy, just to plunge into sadness right after.
Our family-life was characterized by religion and obedience. My father was a reverend and a person of absolute respect for me due to his eruptions of violence towards my brothers. Even in my adult age I felt the fear and simultaneous dependence. My dogma included complete self-abandonment for others. During my entire life I wondered „who am I“, „what is left of me“. Often times I hated myself, hated my body, hated my life. Everything seemed so pointless.
Despite all this, I entered relationships and married my second boyfriend. In marriage I felt not understood and lonely. Sexually, I felt totally under pressure. Eventually, I tried to forget everything by using alcohol to become aroused. We weren’t able to maintain the marriage for long.
Now I am married again. My husband was very sensitive and understanding from the beginning. We trapped ourselves in believing, that the relationship would be able to heal me, but once again the sexuality influenced everything. Hardly ever, feelings came up on their own. Everytime I had to persuade myself that sex is nice. My body and soul weren’t able to keep these feelings.
Desperately I tried for twenty years to find help from therapists – as an in- as well as an out patient. I always felt that everything is much deeper down. So deep, that noone was able to get to it – not even myself. Again and again I searched the internet for possibilities to receive true healing. I read books and tried techniques. The result was the same everytime: at the beginning there was euphoria and hope to have found the right thing, then followed by an ardous and never-ending path and finally the understanding that it does not help. Even though, many things have put me forward a bit or helped briefly, but healing was not in sight. It is said, that something always remains from a trauma.
But then I found a video of Ilona Palucki in the internet. I heard exactly what I felt – that the abuse and all other trauma is anchored in the deepest fibers of our body, in our organs and muscles, in our soul. I was so enthusiastic and hopeful, but on the other hand couldn’t believe that in such short amount of time, someone should be able to leave his past behind. Despite all opinions raining down on me I wanted to believe it. The introductory talk with her had affirmed my hopes.
Then, I was able to experience it with my own body and soul. In just two weeks we have processed one trauma each day and I was able to leave it behind thanks to Ilona and her special way of working and her breathing technique. Only briefly I had to establish a connection to my emotions and didn’t have to live through my trauma once again – as is the case with other techniques. Every day I was able to leave a huge rock from my past behind. Every day I grew more free, happier. An „I“ started to develop. This „I“ continues to develop further until today and it just feels wonderfully alive. For the first time in my life I am looking forward to thethings to come! The past no longer plays a role. It has become insignificant. My soul is healed and by that, my body heals as well. I am no longer under constant tension. After the first three days, I no longer had Restless Legs Syndrome. For the past years I was only able to control this via the intake of medication every evening. The pain in my hips and neck are gone, my posture is upright. I am experiencing a deep tranquillity and equanimity. The time with Ilona finally gave me a life. Now, I feel joy to be a woman with everything that belongs to it.
Ilona, I thank you for this wonderful time. You have taken so much suffering from me and awakened so much joy. You are an impressive woman with endless passion for your work and for your clients. I didn’t know that one could have so much fun while dissolving trauma. Thank you for everything!!!
Brita M. /Thüringia, Germany (translated from German)